(baby brother watch out. There are surprises and you might just want to take a picture because this is long)
Let’s start from the beginning shall we. I've realized a lot these past few weeks. You know me. Always making decisions with my iron will and going through with them. I've always been someone to just plow through and do things. I'm thankful for all the things that you all said to me, even when you thought I might be mad, but little do you know this mission has given me the patience of a dove. I chose to come out on a mission because I felt a desire that I couldn't shake. I felt like I wouldn't be me if I didn't come out. I had the prompting actually a year ago that I needed to come out and serve but I see how the Lord has been preparing me since I was just little. I've been able to use experiences from when I was 11 that have helped me help the sweet people of Taiwan. I went through with it with the biggest leap of faith I've ever taken in my life! When I came out I was all the way in. Both feet in Taiwan heart and all, but as time went by I realized I stuck one foot back into America. I wasn't committed to the mission anymore. For most of my mission I haven't been committed to my mission. My view was this: I'll go on my mission and when God gives me a feeling that I can go home I'm taking that like a mango bingsha and making like a tree and leaf. I was praying for God to change my heart and help me be in the mission and not to go home, but in all honesty that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to go home for most of my mission and every time I prayed I was trying to change God's will. I was happy but a part of me ways always sad and that was because I wasn't doing what I knew I should be which was giving my all to the mission and throwing the option of going home out the window. I knew I felt that prompting to go and I was just fighting with my sweet Heaven Father. This really effected my spirituality and I see it now. Man, there was one lesson I absolutely could not feel the spirit and it scared me so bad, because as we know the spirit is everything in missionary work. My heart was so hard. It was literally hard! As my prayers became insincere my faith decreased, I started focusing on myself, and I lost the love joy and appreciation of this great work. Bad! I'm a proud silly dumb girl. I really turned inward and made the decision to go home. Honestly, I gave up. I didn't want to do it anymore and I lied to myself and said oh it's fine but I knew what I felt a year ago when the Lord wanted me to come out. And further I said I'd do this. I took the call and thank you all those who reminded me that. I don't feel super bad because it took President Hinckley 6 months to "lose himself and go to work" and it has taken me 8 months, so I'm not too far behind our sweet former prophet. If anything I've learned that when we know the will of the Lord just follow it. It's way too tiring to fight it and it wrecks our spirituality. Also, wow it's so true that insincere prayers over a period of time will decrease our gratitude, faith, and love. I'm so happy I had this experience so that I can use it to do missionary work. I'm in. Both feet in. I'm not leaving this beloved island until it's time. This made me think of my running days. I remember the first time I pulled out a halfy. I woke up one day and decided to run. I pulled on my tiptoe running shoes, left my watch at home and just ran. I ran and when I felt like it was time to go home I did. I mapped out the run and surprisingly enough I pulled out a halfy and some. Not bad huh! Now my running muscles are gone and my blood cells are sea level blood cells that will hate Utah air, but that experience taught me something. Because of that experience I knew I could run a half and that helped me run even further the next time and the next. This is a foundation for my life and I can't stop running now. I know that completing this will give me a foundation that will help me go further and do harder things in the future when I need to. Also I realize my most enjoyable runs are the ones that I just go and do and I don't put markers I need to hit (like running to the next stoplight or tree or school. I just run.) I put markers on my mission. I though oh I have #baptisms under the belt, I went senior, I did blha blah blah. Fang Si! Bad bad! I realized I stopped doing this work for God and I did it for myself. I wanted to accomplish these things so I could say I did it. Oh man. I'm not proud of this. As I said, silly dumb girl. Don't worry I'm changing ^_^. It's time to “run in God's name and let the world stand back in wonder" time to do this for the Lord. Can I tell you it's amazing how quickly the Lord forgave my stupid faults? The spirit is back and my love is back. It's not in full throttle but it's getting there. I've got goals. I was teaching our sweet Penelope and I had the spirit. It was SO good to feel the spirit again and to know that I wasn't fighting God anymore. I'm back and I'm here to stay. As Sister Park likes to say "I've returned". YEAH! ALRIGHT! That's the story now let me tell you about the beloveds:
Sister Xie. She received baptism on Saturday and it was the most beautiful baptism yet. I saw her throughout the whole process. I've been with her from the beginning, kind of. She met the missionaries 2 years ago and decided she wasn't into it. A month ago she just went to church because she wanted that peace again. We taught her and her testimony developed. Through the Book of Mormon only she came to know Christ. THE BOOK OF MORMON! No bible stories. I love that. It just proves how The Book of Mormon really is a testament of Christ. Wow. I absolutely love the Book of Mormon. I just finished and started over. Nephi is such a dream. The way he trusts the Lord is amazing. My trust is back. My faith is back. I'm back! Thank you for the love and support. I can't even express what it meant. I really did need it and thank you for giving it.
Okay, Love you all